Building Castles In The Sky

Issue 5

The subject of my impending doom is one I have never had the need to consider.  I have wasted one too many hours after midnight trying to contemplate this with little or no conclusion.  What would my legacy be if I meet my maker next week? I would wager it’s not something anybody in good health has considered or perhaps I have just discovered the basis of the phenomena know as mid life crisis.  If there is any truth in this, I still haven’t arrived at this junction in life.  So how do you measure your legacy? Is it wealth, academia, experience, ability, talent, achievements or the number of followers on Twitter (I have none of these) the list could go on and on.  I guess any answer to this reflects a moral cross section of an individual.  For example, focusing on the car you drive or the house you live in makes you sound materialistic to others but if you built the house with your own hands then it would be something to be proud of.  I suppose the aim would be to measurable in each of these departments, but I for one can’t do this, how many of us honestly could do?

Before I attempt to answer this it’s worth noting that blowing my own trumpet is definitely a weakness of mine.  This is along with buying presents for people, I never know what to buy and as I rarely shop my eyes are immediately turned to things I would like to buy for myself, the result usually arriving home with a bag full of goodies but not a gift in sight.  At this point a swift apology to the wife wouldn’t go amiss however in life it is said that opposites attract and shopping is a particular talent of hers and the natural balance is restored.

The person I am today is conscientious and works hard, probably too hard.  The last few weeks contemplating my future have made me want to adjust my work life balance.  I consider myself lucky to enjoy my work and the company of the people I work with. Now approaching 19 years of service I have never updated my CV mainly because I would struggle breathing life into it, not through a lack of achievement, far from it.  I just find it hard to talk about myself in the manor required.  As the years have eased by my role has progressed and evolved, it continues to engage me on a daily basis, no two days are ever the same at Bannister Hall.  A special thank you is required to Alan and the BH team for their continued support.  

Getting back to the question in hand… A good place to start would be the number of messages of support delivered electronically, snail mail, over the phone and/or in person.  The easiest way to answer would be to count all of these up and present a number, similar to Douglas Adam’s answer to Life the universe and everything (42).  Unfortunately, I realise a more philosophical approach is expected though I do think there is a lot of substance to this especially if I consider the alternative. 

The thing I hold dearest is without doubt my family.  Its difficult not to be biased so I wont attempt to try.  Our twentieth wedding anniversary approaches in August, the wife and I have enjoyed 15 adventurous years together before populating two of our spare rooms with offspring.  For the last seven years we have muddled along like every other parent hoping we are doing it right.  When I try and look at the kids objectively they make me feel so proud.  The zest for life they have is definitely keeping me young at heart despite the exhausting routine of running them around from one club to the next.   

My Daughter shares the ambition of most seven-year olds and longs to be a dancer preferring to practice this over most other things. She is very fortunate to be naturally talented at everything she tries, as parents we haven’t pushed her along all the drive and enthusiasm comes from within her it is so energising to be around.  She really enjoys school and has a genuine thirst for knowledge happily practising on the piano to ready to impress for the next lesson.  Whilst playing the Game of Life board game over Christmas she by chance became the dancer but surprisingly elected to give up her chosen vocation to be a video game designer because they earned so much more money.  At just seven she has very clear goals and is not afraid of bossing people around and even upsetting her peers to get what she wants, in fact that statement extends to the adults in her life as well.  We have our ups and downs as the boundaries keep getting pushed at home, behaviour negotiations can be quite tense as she always stands her ground.  Despite her frenetic trajectory she loves a quiet cuddle and thankfully lots of them.

My Son is quite a different character, he unfortunately shares my stubbornness.  Once he has made his mind up its not changing, on difficult days the only effective lever we have as parents is chocolate.  To complete the imagery (and also) keep intake to a minimum we use chocolate coins to bribe him.  He also differs in the way he plays, a good example is with Lego.  My daughter loves to build, the more complicated the better once finished she moves onto the next challenge.  My son also loves to build but then he will play with his creation for days crashing it around and rebuilding his imagination is captivating and I am still his favourite play mate (for now) which I know won’t last too much longer but, I am prepared to fight for my place at the top of that list.  He is a definitely a creature of habit, already I can see my mild OCD coming through. Every morning he is the first to wake up, if I’m lucky its after 6am “Daddy Wake Up!”  breaks through my deepest slumber.  We head down stairs to make tea and warm milk.  The milk routine needs to be precise or it means starting again. This gets harder each week as he attempts more for himself every time. Indeed, he has learned to count backwards before he could forward as each morning we count aloud to the microwave timer. 

It seems alarm clocks have no effect on the women in our house in fact Monday to Friday even a small earthquake wouldn’t wake them.  Certainly, the wife is incapacitated until plied with a fresh cup of tea, even then it is only the thought of luke warm tea that compels her to get up. 

Getting back again to the question in hand…I have always had a peace within myself, it’s not often the ripples in my life get big enough to spill over and escape the mill pond.  I’m not happy with some of the choices I have made in life, but, it is the choices we make that decide our path.  Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing that has led me here today and risk not having the life I have now, one that I cherish.  If I take off my rose spectacles I can acknowledge its not perfect, I certainly wish my to-do list was much shorter. 

In trying to quantify my life to date in terms of a legacy I have really struggled to put forward a complete answer.  I have just made one of my better choices in life, that at this point I won’t answer the question.  I have absolute faith that the many chapters in my life still to unfold will give me much more to reflect upon in the years to come, only then will I look at this again.

Tomorrow morning, I have a pre-treatment meeting with the ENT team where I will learn a lot more about the what happens after the surgery.  I will know what is to be expected in terms of recovery time and the various difficulties I will need to overcome.  My aim is to take from this meeting a new focus to keep my thoughts firmly fixed on a positive approach to my recovery as from Monday all my resolve will be put firmly to the test.

Author: Irvin's Voice

Diagnosed with cancer is the most compelling thing in my life at the moment. Not being the most expressive person my blog is an insight to thoughts and feelings throughtout my recovery. View all posts by Irvin's Voice