No Room at the Inn

Issue 7.

A quick update is required after todays experience.  My appointment at the hospital was for 7.30am to book in before moving through to the ‘DoSAA’ Day of Surgery Admission Area.  Last night I had two sachets of a pre-load drink and third this morning at 6am to help prepare the body for major surgery.  We arrived on time and moved through to an over crowded waiting room, not one available seat, clearly a busy morning.  I waited with my entourage on a bench in the corridor before being moved into a side room.  Once in there i got a name tag, a nurse checked my blood pressure, temperature and heart rate then brought me a gown and some compression socks to wear, no sign of paper underwear at this stage.  The two surgeons and the registrar came in to meet me to discuss my ‘life changing surgery’ they helped to reassure me I was in good hands.  They answered a few more of my questions and I completed all the consent forms. One question I didn’t ask came from my sister… what colour will the tongue be once they have finished?

Whilst learning about the various dangers and potential side effects that lay ahead I felt the now familiar feeling of butterflies taking flight from my stomach heading north to make me feel a little light headed.  With some controlled breathing I sometimes use to help me sleep I settled down quickly.  This combined with last nights lack of sleep my relaxation exercise worked particularly well and I managed more a meditation than a sleep, still semi conscious listening to the conversations around me.

It had been explained before today and throughout the morning that i could only go through to theatre once a bed in ICU had been confirmed.  The consultant explained that a meeting at 8.30am would determine all the bed allocations.  The NHS has already cancelled most non essential surgeries in January due to the shortage of beds for patients with emergencies and cancer patients taking president.  At 10.30am we had a visit from a Lady on the hospital management team to inform me that unfortunately today there was no room at the inn and that she couldn’t give me a new date and I would be contacted in due course.  The corporate style apology came with tea and toast to soften the blow and a free parking pass for our inconvenience. Surprisingly it wasn’t relief that washed over me, it was quite the opposite a rare blend of internalised anger and frustration.  I have put so much effort into preparing myself mentally for this morning, for it all to fall through at the final hurdle was hard to accept.

The lead consultant came through to discuss todays outcome as they found out straight after I was told.  It was clearly met with their disapproval, the surgical team were dressed ready to go just waiting for the green light.  It became a wasted morning for a whole team of medical professionals.  The Max Fax team are now looking to get me back in at the earliest opportunity and even asked if i could be available at weekends.  My confidence in them remains absolute.  It is the wider more political aspects of the NHS and the sheer lack of funding that is to be blunt a complete disappointment.  The doctors have their hands completely tied it must be just as frustrating for them with the amount of preparation that goes into a 12 hour session.

Previously I had a date to work to, putting the blinkers back on and looking forwards I don’t have a date now so i need to keep a bag packed and at a moments notice be ready in mind, body and spirit.  This is much harder to work with than a fixed date in the diary.  From this mornings dry run I now know exactly what to expect next time around so the butterflies will remain at bay.  I have seen yet again that the kids are my Achilles heel, telling them everything will be just fine when in truth no one will know the outcome until after the operation.  Saying good bye to two tearful children that don’t want their daddy to go to hospital is so difficult and now that’s the bit i will be dreading the most next time around.

To everyone through yesterday and today that has rallied and found a moment of time to send a message through in one form or another, thank you very much its a great source of courage.  I feel somewhat deflated and exhausted after todays hit and miss, for me this feeling extends to everyone that has been following my progress.  As soon as I get the next date I will let everyone know.  To finish on a more positive note, next time around the journey to the hospital will be a little easier.

Author: Irvin's Voice

Diagnosed with cancer is the most compelling thing in my life at the moment. Not being the most expressive person my blog is an insight to thoughts and feelings throughtout my recovery. View all posts by Irvin's Voice