The Big Day has arrived…

Issue 6.

Following the final pre-treatment meeting on Friday, the time that has passed so slowly over the last few weeks has started to slip through my fingers faster and faster.  The meeting was a useful exchange with the dietician and a lead nurse from the Maxillofacial team (Max fax).  Whilst January is usually a month for detox and diet to shed some the indulgencies that Christmas brings, I have been on a quite a different course.  I literally starved through the Christmas holidays watching more than one marvellous spread of food; turkey, roast potatoes, brussel  sprouts and especially pigs in blankets being passed under my nose whilst I slurped painfully on celeriac soup.  Now the boot is firmly on the other foot, I have spent all of January eating as much as I can, full fat everything as instructed.

My intention of writing another full blog complete with pictures ahead of my surgery tomorrow became quite an onerous task, I had no idea how busy today would turn out to be.  We have had a steady flow of visitors throughout the day, dropping by to wish us all well and offer any help for the days and weeks ahead.  My phone hasn’t stopped ringing, pinging and popping with messages and emails all day, I have tried to respond to most, apologies if I haven’t yet replied I have read through every single one.

Close family and friends have been round for tea, a much needed distraction for the wife.  There has been a definite tension in the house today the kids have been on edge.  My daughter is very aware of what is happening her regular lines of questioning revolve around my diagnosis and treatment.  I initially didn’t explain the gravity of a cancer diagnosis that said I haven’t sugar coated it either.  I have explained the procedure to her which is officially known as ‘left hemiglossectomy, neck dissection and reconstruction with radial free forearm flap’.  She has then gone on to discover for herself the more macabre side of cancer and at just seven she is really struggling with the range of emotions that are coming out.

Lots of friends mention how strong I have been so far maintaining such a positive outlook. I can reveal the source of this power.  It comes from having to keep a composure and explain to my daughter that her daddy needs to do this no matter how horrible it sounds.  It comes from looking at my family and trying to image a life for them I am not a part of.  It comes from watching my son and daughter sleep so peacefully, I check in on them every single night to pull the covers back on.  Since the diagnosis I have found myself captivated by how content they are in that moment.  I try to imagine them as teenagers and adults, a one minute job becomes a 15minute meditation.  So much of this strength comes from my friends and families faith in me and finally it comes from my pure stubbornness, I will not surrender any part of myself to it.  My clear vision is to press pause on my life’s journey then work my way back to the best my abilities will allow, back to the start of all this to simply carry on from where I left off.

Irvin’s Voice was born from the fact that one of the biggest impacts the procedure will have is on my voice.  I will definitely not be able to speak for some time.  Speech therapy will be required to help me first learn to swallow again and then to help find my new voice as I expect to sound quite different.  I haven’t spent any time at all recording my voice for posterity, my mantra is to keep moving forward without looking back.  I did however want to keep a record of my voice for the sole purpose of monitoring my progress throughout my therapy. I have chosen a short book called ‘You…’ written by Emma Dodd that we often read to the children when they were younger, in fact they still like it being read to them and its officially the wife’s favourite.  Being a short story, I am thinking to record myself reading the same passage ahead of surgery and then through the different stages of my recovery and let people see how first hand how its progressing.  I’m not expecting much initially but be assured I will be putting my heart and soul into it.  I am aware that my speech has already changed slightly following the biopsy though to most folk it sounds the same as usual.  To listen to my bench mark recording please have a look on my face book page as i can’t post a video on this blogging platform.

My next post will be as soon as I am able.  My wife will hopefully contribute to my blog  in my absence bringing an update of the early stages of my recovery.  I will be looking forward to reading it myself, hopefully i wont know too much of what is going on during this time.  So until the next time, i am signing off for a short break.

Author: Irvin's Voice

Diagnosed with cancer is the most compelling thing in my life at the moment. Not being the most expressive person my blog is an insight to thoughts and feelings throughtout my recovery. View all posts by Irvin's Voice